The year is 2018. The Empire has been constantly working to get a hold of the newest technologies present in the galactic sphere. In its attempts to root out any rebel sympathizers among its forces, Earth has been scanned for signs of anomalies in the recruits so that they can be dealt with immediately. The scouts have reported several bizarre products coming out from the Publications Sector which has raised some eyebrows within the Empire’s Mission Control. In the midst of it, the Intelligence Report Leak regarding the Publications Sector has created a crisis within the Intelligence Committee.

 

Disclaimer: The following intelligence is intended only for the eyes of the Executive Committee of the Empire. Anyone found accessing this document without proper authorisation shall be dealt with severely. This data has been gathered by our extensive network of spies on Earth, specifically the Hell 12 region. The files hold valuable intel pertaining to the Commander of the Publications Sector and his erratic band of followers, all of whom are suspected of involvement in anti-Empire activities. It is hoped that the information given here will help to apprehend these deranged individuals and show them the Empire-approved light or failing that, drown them in the poisoned H12 lake.

Case File #1

This recruit is dangerous. His hatred for the Empire is apparent by his introduction of distasteful innovations like ‘blogs’ and ‘professionally candid Instagram profiles’. He faces numerous death threats, mostly from his deputy, who has publicly threatened to push him over a cliff several times. However, due to his medical condition of Witzelsucht, he was handed over command of the entire Publications Sector and has hitherto failed to disappoint. As a consequence, the supreme overlords of the the Empire are content with his shenanigans (so far). He has done everything from labelling jars to publishing his own brand of poetic justice. However, the threat posed by him (and his puns) to the sanctity of the Empire remains at large. Which is why this committee recommends that this particular specimen be kept under strict surveillance 24/7.

 

Case File #2

This recruit is a valuable asset. In order to keep the suspicious activities of the Publications Commander in check, we planted her as a spy. She has spent years training in the Middle East, becoming a  master of Krav Maga (and Varzesh-e-Pahlavani). Her time there has made her hate oil and all its derivatives, making it difficult for her to adjust to this region and its famed parathas. Nevertheless, she is a master. Rarely seen, but always watching. Her loyalty to The Empire has come under question since she was photographed stopping the Publications Commander from jumping off a cliff, a happening we had been sorely looking forward to, and for repeatedly encouraging the Publications sector to “do more” (codeword?). It is crucial we keep her on the dark side, for we cannot afford such a formidable foe.

 

Case File #3

This recruit is a true Empire supporter. He is genuinely worried about the state of affairs of the galaxy and everyone in it. Of strong integrity and morals, he brings decency and Empire-approved light to the otherwise anarchic and rabble-rousing Publications sector. Hates making new accounts for every service he uses and struggles to balance a pile of sheets while carrying them to his room. However, we are worried that prolonged exposure to those devils in the Publications team might corrupt him, though so far, he seems to be secure. Nevertheless, protecting this recruit is a high priority, since his loss will mean the loss of the little productivity the Publications sector has.

 

Case File #4

This specimen, cultivated in a technical family, has given no quarter to its scientific legacy. Forced into Electrical Labour at an early age, he spends more time reading satire, watching animations of history’s greatest battles and listening to ear bleeding 70s disco music than he does solving circuits. The subject’s desire to gain notoriety (and attention) has usually ended up with him making a joke out of himself. However, despite these setbacks, the subject continues being absurdly confident that he’ll be able to move out of his place of birth, even though his chances look slim. 

The recruit joined the Empire Forces for two reasons, to socialize and to write blogs; and let it be brought into the committee’s knowledge that he isn’t writing any blogs. However, in the absence of any work, he’s taken up the mantle of this sector’s Phuppo to which he does justice by constantly undermining the peace established in the Sector’s Whatsapp sub-region. Keeping his exploits in mind, we suggest to the committee that a restraining order be placed on the subject immediately to avoid further collateral damage.

 

Case File #5

Of all the recruits we received, this one was by far the most experienced, belonging to a family that has traditionally excelled in the Publications sector. She brings a degree of maturity and a no bullshit attitude to the group of hooligans currently defiling that sacred place. Not only that, she has managed to gain their trust, so much that they’ve begun spilling their secrets to her. We tried to recruit her as an inside agent for the Empire, but her brooding manner and a taste for sad, depressing music made her an unsuitable candidate. She practically does all the heavy lifting in the sector, leaving the fun stuff for her less experienced colleagues, who nevertheless appreciate the opportunity to learn from her.

 

Case File #6

Born 13 days before Valentine’s Day (something that has not helped his romantic prospects), this specimen has sought refuge in the FICS Empire’s powerful Publications Sector after being exiled by the other races in the NICE region of the H12 galaxy. An exile, though illegitimate, was deemed legal once it was revealed that he was guilty of raising the class average for every subject to an A. In the Publications sector, he has become (un)surprisingly useful by contributing more than anyone else towards strengthening our beloved Empire. He can make gol rotis better than your doctor bahu and Instagram stories worse than Kim Kardashian. However, the specimen and many of his other habits remain a mystery (such as his affinity for Kanye West songs). The committee prohibits any debates with the specimen since his unplanned comebacks create the potential risk of heart attacks in the brain.

 

Case File #7

This recruit has political ambitions. His obsession with inflammatory speeches, debates, and suspected involvement with the opposition entrepreneurs party point to it. He’s also been very cozy with the Chinese, even promoting their new noodles here at our local  restaurants. This goes to show that he could potentially be a salty agent. We’d have him assassinated, but he’s become too much of a public figure to take out quietly. He’s been heard calling for more coordination between the sectors, which we believe is a rallying call for a hidden rebellion. His reason to join the Publications sector has also been seen as a political move, where he attempts to use the sector’s resources to spread the message of unity, progress and innovation. Such significant threats cannot be left unaddressed. All options from poisoning to drowning in H12’s poisoned lake (accidental of course) are available. It is up to the committee to decide which course of action to pursue.

 

The Sector in Question:

 

By Haris Naveed
FICS’18 Team Publications